Terrible Jokes

[John Upham]

“I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner








... well, it was just collecting dust.”


Tim Vine, Edinburgh Fringe, 2014

[Phil Neatherway]

"Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!"

"I'm not surprised, it was only ground yesterday"

[David Stott]

"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
"I could be wrong Sir, but I think that's the breast stroke!"

[Rewan Demontay]

Q: What's black and white and green and black and white?

A: Two zebras fighting over a pickle.

[John Upham]

What is the favourite drink of Jürgen Norbert Klopp?













7 Up

[Paul Habershon]

"Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!"

"I'm not surprised, it was only ground yesterday"

'Waiter, you've got your thumb in my soup!''

'That's all right, sir, it's not hot.'

[Neil Graham]

"Waiter, have you got frog's legs?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well hop into the kitchen and get me a steak".

...... and later

"How did you find your steak sir?"
"I just moved a couple of peas and there it was."

and one from my six year old grandson (I have an inexhaustible supply of these).

Q What happens when you cross the road in a Safari Park?
A Double yellow lions.

[Roger Lancaster]

and one from my six year old grandson (I have an inexhaustible supply of these).

but I take it that the inexhaustible supply refers to jokes ....

[Neil Graham]

and one from my six year old grandson (I have an inexhaustible supply of these).

but I take it that the inexhaustible supply refers to jokes ....

fortunately yes. Three grandsons and a granddaughter are quite enough.

I remember seeing Milton Jones live - he seemed to have an inexhaustible supply of grandfathers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48HoCwhlA80

[Neil Graham]

Two more from my younger grandchildren :

Last night I dreamt I was writing The Hobbit but I was just Tolkien in my sleep (granddaughter aged 9)

What do you call a horse in the next house? Your next door NEIGH-bour. (6 year old grandson).

[John Upham]

Which element is represented by Ah?
















It is Ahaa: the element of surprise.

[Neil Graham]

Another from my grandchildren.

What do you call a magic dog?

A labracadabrador.

[John Townsend]

The vicar is about to conduct a wedding ceremony, but he wants to check if anyone needs to pay a call first. What does he say to the congregation?


"Speak now or forever hold your pees."

[John Upham]

The vicar is about to conduct a wedding ceremony, but he wants to check if anyone needs to pay a call first. What does he say to the congregation?


"Speak now or forever hold your pees."

Yes, this one passes the awfulness test.

[John Foley]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 789.

Which teacher was always late for school?
Mr. Buss